The invisble bully

Tags

adoption, bullying, family, school, Self-harm, young people

I had an invisible bully. No one knew it was there for a long time. That’s because the bully existed inside my head. I started to bully myself.

When you are growing up it’s natural to go through periods where you don’t feel very confident, for example when you transition from primary school to secondary school. During this time I changed from feeling very grown up and important, to slightly small and insignificant. This is normal during a big change in life. However the problem arose when these feelings grew and I started to speak to myself in a horrible way. I’d belittle myself and get cross with myself. I’d never have let someone else speak to me in that way, and I’d never have spoken to someone else like that either, and yet I said these things to myself. I put myself down and told myself that I was worthless. I listened to these feelings, and the more I did, the more they impacted my everyday life.

Listening to these feelings was very dangerous; they changed my behaviour.I started thinking that I was useless and began hurting myself physically. Self-harm is addictive, and I kept needing to do it more and more. It escalated until it got completely out of control. I certainly spent several nights sitting on a cold bench in A and E hiding inside a hoody, being called in for medical treatment.

During this time I also became withdrawn and stopped socialising with my friends and family. I wanted to become invisible and not exist. In bullying myself I gave other people permission to do so too. For example because I believed I was worthless and acted accordingly, other people picked up on this. While some people simply ignored me, others saw me as a target, and bullied me. For example I went to boarding school, and my friends in my dormitory all got sticks and chased me around the boarding house chanting abusive things to make me run away. I escaped, and ran half way down the school’s long drive in the pouring rain, dressed in a sports shirt before a sixth former spotted me and took me back inside.

The huge problem with this self-bullying is that you can’t get away from it. It’s 24 hours a day, seven days a week, it encourages others to bully you, and it’s hard for adults to detect. I found it difficult to ask for help because I listened to the bullying thoughts and believed that I was worthless and beyond help. Thankfully, someone noticed I was unhappy. I went to therapy and learnt how to challenge those thoughts and beliefs.

My counselling has stopped, and sometimes the bullying thoughts come back. It is then that I have a choice: do I give in to the bully and believe the thoughts, or do I challenge them? While it may seem easier to submit to the bully, the best things to do is to fight it. It’s important to challenge the voice, although what is says is very emotional and strong, is it true, can what it says be backed up by truth? The answer is almost undoubtedly no. Having acknowledged that, it’s important to keep yourself safe and distracted; do something you enjoy, like read a book, watch a film, or see a friend. If the feelings are so strong and you can’t manage that, sit down somewhere comfortable and be mindful of your surroundings; feel the soft cushion under you, the fleecy blanket, find a part of your body that is warm, cold, comfortable, relaxed. It may seem silly, but it will relax you. It will mean that you ride the storm out like a little fishing boat, and make it to calmer water intact.

Because I noticed my bully, and because of all the help that I received, and the work I’ve put in, I’m now happy. I have achieved so much more than I ever thought imaginable, and am trying to use my past experiences to help others. If you have these self-bullying thoughts, challenge them and ask for help if you need it. Keep fighting it, keep going, and dream big; create the future you deserve!

Julia, Adoptables Ambassador.